I can’t sleep. It’s 8 AM now, about an hour before I usually get up and get everything ready for the day, but I’ve been up and back to bed several times now over the course of this night. Just a lot of things weighing on my mind.
I love people, but there are many times where I don’t understand them. I think about war, and poverty, mostly. If we’re not starving one another we’re killing one another, and all so a few people at the top make a profit. That’s what it’s all really about: you and I, along with the people we love, getting shuffled about like pieces on a game board so that a few already well-to-dos can pocket a little more cash.
Our lives mean little to them, these supposed masters of our fate, but so many people accept the slave mentality they sell to us. We’re not human beings, we’re human resources. We’re the grist for the mill, and we also turn the levers. We are the power, but we’re rendered powerless because they get into our heads and convince us that without them and their machinery, we’d be nothing.
That’s not all that’s keeping me awake today. I think I’m just tired. Sounds kind of odd for some, but I know there are those of you who know exactly what I’m saying. It’s the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t fix. It’s a tiredness of the soul, regardless of whether you believe the soul is real or not, it’s the mental and emotional exhaustion of being in this system. It’s demoralizing, and frustrating.
We’re only a week into the new year, and people are being murdered, vengeance between countries is being declared, continents are burning, and the part of my heart that fights to maintain hope takes a breath and tries to hold on a little longer.
I try to have a little faith in myself. I know who I am, and I know what I believe. I am consistent in so many ways, and I don’t think some people understand that. They see where new information is processed and assume I cannot hold a position, or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, despite my efforts to always hold accuracy and veracity above intention and bias. I’m biased, but I will always be biased for the right reasons.
I don’t like negative spaces, because it’s easy to be less charitable to people in negative spaces. Two people make the same statement, one is seen as intelligent and reasonable, the other as a fool who happens to parrot things they don’t understand. So I don’t quite understand people at times because of how charitable they are or aren’t with people, regardless of what those people are saying.
In other words, even if you’re right, they might still think you a fool, because they expect it of you. It is more comfortable they assume you to be a fool than to consider what you have to say might hold merit, or maybe they just don’t like you. Who knows?
When I’m not working, I’m observing people. I listen to their words, I watch their actions, like how their eyes move, how their hands fidget, the restlessness in their body language. That’s more difficult with paragraphs and text on a screen, but it can still be done, and so there are many times I think I make people uncomfortable, either because of what I say, or because of what I represent, and the latter is something I cannot fathom deeper than my suspicions, because it’s very easy to lie about one’s self and one’s motives on the internet.
It’s closing in on 9 AM now, so I need to get dressed and ready to start the events of the day. I wish you the peace and rest I can’t seem to find today.
Amaris