I ask this question of myself a lot. There are many times, mostly on message boards, where I will state something in as clear and plain a language as I can, and I inadvertently make someone upset. I ask them what I did, and they get even more upset. I clarify my statement, and it only seems to confuse and anger them more, and then they start drawing conclusions about my intent that I do not have. Then the insults start flying, and before I know it, the entire discussion is burned to the ground, and everyone is angry.
I cannot figure out what is going on. I assume it’s myself, that somewhere I am missing a link in my method of communication. I have had a long history of people not understanding what I’m trying to say, even if to me it’s as clear as crystal. I will often repeat back what they say to me, and they tell me I completely missed it, and then again the insults start, I get called dumb and lacking in understanding, and yet I am doing my best to grasp what they’re trying to convey.
I think in pictures. I link pictures with concepts, and convert it into my primary spoken and written language, which for me is English. I think that’s how most people do it, isn’t it? I see big pictures by following trends, and to grasp smaller concepts I draw on personal experience and share it outward. Then I take the feedback and add it to my own experience, and use it to modify my understanding. That’s how we learn, isn’t it?
When I plead for someone to listen, when I share a belief or idea with passion, I am told I am up on a high horse, or that I’m just pretending to care. It’s as if the idea of my genuinely caring for an issue (I care for a great many issues, I am cursed with much empathy) isn’t genuine. I already suffer from Imposter Syndrome, so believe me when I say that I triple check whether or not I truly am invested in something before I ever tell anyone else.
So where is the missing link? Let me give you an example of what I’m trying to understand:
A friend of mine and I were discussing medication exports from Canada to the United States. I expressed a desire for Canada to allow that export until we could fix the problem of representation (as in, our President is a jackass who needs ousted on Election Day), because there are people who buy from Canada because medication is too expensive in the U.S., and they can’t afford it otherwise.
My friend responded that Canada should block exports because some medications are in low supply and they need them for Canadians first. I replied that blockading only punishes innocent people. He disagreed, and told me that he has to think of Canada first, and that the U.S. could fuck off.
I got snippy and said that I understood he just wanted Canada First and U.S. citizens could “fuck off and die.” Yeah, it was much more bellicose coming from me, but the sentiment was the same. I told him what he told me, just in more coarse language.
That made him mad, as if I misrepresented him, but I didn’t. I took what he said in several paragraphs, and condensed it into a single sentiment. I told him I would prefer if the U.S. and Canada shared medications. We have lots of medicine of which they carry in short supply, and they have medicines made cheaper and easier for us to access. It would be a system of mutual aid.
He replied that it was a fantasy, and mocked me for even thinking it was possible. I explained that the U.S. and Canada had been trading partners economically and cultural for a very long time, that we were very close, and that it’s something that could be done. He repeated with a “fuck the U.S.” (his words) and doubled down on his statement.
From there it broke down. There was a third party, and he egged on the idea that I was full of it, and being sanctimonious, as if I genuinely didn’t care about the people in need. He said I was masquerading selfishness as altruism, which again is not true, and I said as much. I was told by my friend that I was wrong, and this third party was right.
Now, if any of you know me, you know I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. As an INFP, it is critical that I share information openly and honestly. It’s a part of every fiber in my being that information which could be used to help someone, and save lives, is to be freely given in as urgent and straightforward a manner as possible.
So when someone tells me I’m lying, or that I’m putting on airs, it strikes that chord which runs through my Imposter Syndrome, and I get upset. So the insults start flying again, and the whole discussion goes to hell.
This happens far more often than I like, and every time I ask questions, when I ask for clarification, I only seem to make people angrier, like I should be grasping something that they can see but I can’t. It is frustrating, and no matter what I do, I get this reputation for being out of touch, in a fantasy world, that I don’t know how things work, and it makes me feel like these people aren’t my friends, that they really seek only to hurt me for their enjoyment. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but there was a time when I could speak and people would listen. Now I speak and they scoff, but my passion, my desire for kindness, empathy, love and compassion hasn’t changed.
Maybe I’ve been there too long, because the last time people listened to me and agreed wholeheartedly was easily a decade ago. Most of the people I know there have moved on, and what’s left are people who seem far more cynical and moderate. By moderate I mean any direction which moves outside of “balance” is seen as disruptive and extremist.
I understand that as an anarcho-communist (which always gets a roll of the eyes from many of them when I mention it as they ask me just what I would do) there is a stigma or either riotous chaos, or gulags in Siberia, and neither is true, but when I explain myself I’m dismissed as if I’m a child, incapable of understanding the suffering I’ve experienced. I’m not in any danger, they say, I’m being over dramatic. I’m being silly. I’m being slow witted and stupid. I’m naive.
For all of the times I’ve apologized for mistakes (and I have done so many times), people seem to think I’m egotistical, on some kind of high horse where I look down on others when the truth is I see myself as lesser than they are and have said as much.
When I beg them to look at the suffering others are facing right now and that we need to change, they tell me I’m being reactionary. When I offer ideas to how we might find ways to improve people’s lives, I’m told I live in a fantasy world, or mocked and given titles like “Saint Jon Jon” when I don’t believe I’m any kind of saint. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND where they get these ideas that I think of myself as some kind of saint or that I’m perfect. I’m suicidal for crying out loud, I’m not damned saint.
I worry because I rely on history to act as context for what I’m discussing. If people forget history, then they lose the reference point of what I’m saying. I have a long history of admitting when I’m wrong, of apologizing if I made a mistake, but I’m the one with the ego? The one who thinks they’re always right? How has that come to pass when I often admit incomplete knowledge and ask for illumination? I say this because those get dismissed, too!
Is there a filter I’m not seeing? What is going on? What am I missing? I don’t understand it. I am honest, straightforward, earnest, and I believe everything I’m saying. It’s never for points, it’s to encourage people to do the same. What has happened? I swear I feel like Cassandra, doomed to walk the earth speaking truths and prophecies, and no one will believe me.
If anyone out there has any idea, I am all ears.
THE DARKEST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE DAWN
