Sports Season 2018

Wait! Don’t go! It’s not about specific sports!
Alternatively, hey, yeah, sports, so you know, stick around.
Anyway, this is sports season for a lot of people. In the U.S. that means (American) Football, baseball, and other sports I didn’t bother looking up. This, of course, means that discussions about sports will inevitably ensue, and I will find myself in the midst of conversations I do not wish to take part in, but will be dragged into any way when an argument breaks out.
People will assume, by my responses, that I am knowledgeable in sports. This couldn’t be any further from the truth. My favorite sport is reading (see witty side panel).
Still, you might like to see the comments I make, and perhaps they could even help you in the future, should you be roped into a sports discussion you can’t just run from.
So here we go:
WHAT I SAID (WHAT I MEANT)
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1. “Oh man, I love that team!” (I am aware of that team’s existence.)
2. “I couldn’t believe that score!” (I heard the score from someone on the phone from the bathroom stall next to mine.)
3. “He’s been playing like a lion this year.” (I saw him on a stretcher during the nightly news.)
4. “They’re my favorite team!” (I live nearby to the city from which the team is based.)
5. “I can’t believe they traded him to Cleveland!” (I know that Cleveland exists.)
6. “Did you see the quarterback make that throw?” (I assume quarterbacks throw the football.)
7. “That team sucks so bad. Who likes them?” (I saw their merchandise in the clearance bin at Walmart.)
8. “Best game I’ve ever watched.” (You make terrific dip. I’m coming back to this party next year.)
9. “They sacked the poor bastard right there on the field.” (I’m assuming someone was repeatedly hit with a sack or some other object.)
10. “His RBI was 13 in 2017, I believe, but his batting average was .300. Maybe they’ll pinch hit for him if he keeps losing his cool during the mid-season. That changeup was something else, though.” (I have no idea what the fuck I’m saying here, but no one has corrected me yet.)
So if you ever get into a bind, feel free to use these, and never assume I know what the hell I’m talking about when it comes to sports, because I don’t. I really don’t.
Happy sportsing, my friends.