The title kind of says it all, but I’ll unpack: sometimes, I feel like I can take on the world: I have my plans to bring food to the hungry, clothing to the needy, medicine to the sick, and comfort to the grieving. I feel like Mjolnir, the mighty hammer of Thor, during these times, and I feel like there is nothing that will stop me.
Then I will crash HARD into the earth at the speed of light, the cascading effects rippling outward, affecting everything around me in ways that only I can perceive. The self-doubt creeps in. I realize that I’m just a person, a flawed human being who, despite his best intentions, tends to fuck things up.
I know I’m weird, I know I’m different. I try to deal with the things my brain throws at me every day. No matter what it is, I do my damnedest to take it and shape it into something positive, something that will be beneficial for someone.
When I feel good, it pours from me, and everyone benefits. Happiness, kindness, love, joy, empathy, mercy, tenderness, peace. People can feel it, they can actually sense it coming from me.
When the doubt takes over, when my stomach begins to knot, I still try to be happy, but it is futile. I cannot fake it, I’m not a “fake it until you make it” type person. If I’m smiling on the outside, but not on the inside, that outer smile will die quickly. When this happens, I am still kind, still empathetic, and I continue to act in kindness, but the negative aspects of myself creep in there as well: frustration, fear, terror, and a loss of hope.
In my strongest moments, I need only me, and I can power everyone else around me. In my weakest, I might as well be dead, without any ability to gather my strength or build myself into a position where I can stand up again. The negativity is so powerful, all I can do is sit and wait for the upswing again.
Once it hits, I’m back to my old self. I often wonder if there’s something wrong in my brain. I figure there is, because I’m pretty sure most people don’t have brains that behave that way. It’s not that I could ever hurt anyone during my down moments. The worst it usually gets is that I get annoyed and call someone a name if they poke at me. I might also grumble and grouse for a bit, but never would I do something to harm someone. It goes against the deepest, strongest part of who I am.
Right now, I’m at the middling point. I can feel the downswing in motion, and so I know I’m going to feel awful for a while. It’s times like this where I beg for the upswing, when I can once again stand firm against any and all comers in order to defend life and love. That is where I will leave you for this entry.
All of my love to you, and until next time…
Up, Up, and… Eh.