I continue to change. I can feel it deep down inside, and it’s making its presence known throughout the rest of my psyche. My mind is aware of so many things going on right now, and it’s fighting to keep the maelstrom down to a brisk wind if only for my sanity.
Still, I can hear it inside. I get angry at someone, I call them a name, I use the sharpened edge of my sarcasm, and I can feel it return the volley to me, warning me that this isn’t me, that I’m not someone who purposely hurts feelings or breaks hearts. Even if provoked to do so, I am better than that. I am so much more than that response.
I’m finding the hard, cynical outer shell that has formed over the past 20 years to be cracking. I have always made the effort to be kind, but this shell protected me from hateful people, it protected me from bullies. It has been instrumental in keeping my heart from being crushed time and time again, but it cannot remain.
There is a stronger being deep inside of me that is capable of weathering the storm, while refraining from becoming a part of it. The more I embrace it, the more I seek its counsel, the less I feel like being sarcastic, hurtful, and angry.
I’m not at all perfect, we know this, but I have been mean to people numerous times through the years, often because my once limitless patience actually ended up having a ceiling, and I keep slamming my head into it, and it’s causing me to stay angry and frustrated.
Slowly, slowly, I am realizing that this isn’t the ceiling. It is definitely a bulkhead, but it’s not the limit of my patience, and so getting around it, finding a way to push through it if necessary, has become a primary goal, and my inner voice, the deepest part of me that knows all things, has seen all things, and can conceive of the infinite possibility that exists in every particle of the universe, has begun to move to my aid.
Took it long enough.