Mission Statement

I don’t rightly understand my brain sometimes, because thoughts and emotions will come unbidden, things I don’t want to see or experience, and then I become confused and frustrated. It has been something I’ve tried to deal with for my entire adult life, and much of my late childhood. There is something that goes very wrong up there, and I know it. I try to deal with it as best as I can.
Still, there are things that push through the confusion and the chaos: My statements of love are genuine. It is not a lie when I tell you that I love you. It isn’t some kind of embellishment, neither is it an attempt to convince you I’m some kind of Gary Stu. I am so fucking flawed it isn’t funny, but I do love you. Love is the sustenance upon which I survive. It is the binding tie to every human being I have met and not yet met. I exist, here, to love you. All of you.
I have always felt this way towards other people. This isn’t some recent affectation, it is the absolute core of who I am. Tear everything else away, and this will still exist. It cannot be destroyed.
There are times when I do think like other people, but more often than not, I cannot think the same way as other people. I am honestly surprised that I have made the friends I’ve made so far, because while people do like kind, friendly people, they’re not so gung-ho for people who do what they think is right all of the time, even if doing so breaks social and legal taboos. I always believe in doing what is right. ALWAYS. Do I succeed every time? Hell no, but I believe in making the effort. If you have ever heard the phrase “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission” well that would be me in a nutshell (Grace Hopper, by the way).
I will take a fucking sledgehammer to a hurricane if I believe it will save lives, improve the human condition, and preserve love (note: sledgehammers absolutely do not work on hurricanes).
I love joking and laughing right along with everyone else (unless it’s *at* someone else), but I promise you that underneath the laughter is a constant stream of tears. It’s not that I feel like I should help people, it’s that I *MUST* help them. It’s more like a biological need, an emotional imperative, and I do not know why I was born with this brain, but I am doing the best I can with it.
Every day, though, I become more worried at the state of things. The numbers tell me things are getting better in many areas of human social development, but I cannot deny what I see with my eyes and hear with my ears. I see suffering, I hear the cries of the desperately needy, and I cannot ignore them. It beats down upon me day and night: when I eat, when I drink, when I sleep, there is no escape from it, save one, and I am loathe to step across that line for several reasons:
1. I feel like if I did, I would be wasting what would have been the remainder of my life that could have gone towards helping people.
2. I don’t want to. Seems simple enough, but there is a part of me that believes I can make things better, that I can make the world better if I just stick around a little longer.
Still, I cannot deny that all of this takes a toll on me. Some people might say “go take a break, watch a movie, read a book,” but if any of you know me (and you may not, that’s okay), you already know that diverting my attention only takes the immediate distress off of me, it’s still there, beating on my subconscious until I acknowledge it again.
I don’t write these things for pity. Please save your pity for the people who need it. Actually, don’t even save your pity, save your time, your money, your abilities, and use them on people in dire need. My hope for a day when people will be respected regardless of who they are, and loved for the content of their hearts, is still a long way away. The day when we give and receive in kindness and compassion rather than in motivations that constantly ask “what’s in it for me?” is still outside of my grasp, but I reach for it.
So please do not take my words lightly. Don’t toss them aside, they’re very real. They’re the most real part of me, because this is me pouring out everything I am in the hopes of connecting with you. Not just one of you, all of you.
No matter what happens to me, no matter how odd things take a turn, no matter what some might say, others might believe, no matter what you are told by anyone else, know that I love you, that I want you to be happy, safe, and loved by others. I want the hungry fed, the sick healed, the downtrodden uplifted. I want children to be happy and safe from harm, adults to let loose of their fears and embrace the love they also deserve, that we should all, as human beings, finally connect with each other, and love each other.
I love you, and that is my mission statement.