Magnetic North

There are days when the weight of everything pushes down on top of me, and I can barely hold it together mentally and emotionally. Today has been one of those days.
My brother came over yesterday, along with my niece and nephew, and it was wonderful to see them, as always. The kids went off to play the Xbox, and my brother, mother, and myself watched a few videos on the television. We watched a Christian band that my brother likes (I’m rather critical of most contemporary Christian music as I find it to be rather bland, and lifeless).
Anywho, so we watched one particular music video, where it was explained how millions of men, women, and children are sold into sex slavery, wage slavery, and so on. Many of the statistics I already knew, but the video brought them all to the forefront. After the video was done, we talked about it for moment, I mentioned how heavily vested I am in trying to save as many people from that fate as possible, even though I, myself, can only do so much.
After that, my brother and mother moved on to other topics, watched other videos, and while outwardly I seemed to be paying attention, deep inside my mind I was still dealing with what I had watched earlier. It’s something that weighs so heavily on my mind, and on my heart, and I simply do not know how to properly cope with it.
Like all things humanitarian, I have a desire to fix these problems. I have to fix it. It’s a compulsion. I’m not saying it’s like a compulsion, I’m saying it is. My brain reinforces the desire to resolve an issue that needs addressed. If I don’t address it immediately, and work to resolve it immediately, my brain begins to protest that it cannot simply solve a problem on the spot, that it requires planning, and time. My heart fires back with a need to reach out and help, and before I know it, I’m shaking from the fight or flight response of my insides going to war with one another.
From the outside, I may appear calm, but right underneath the surface of my small smile and twinkling eyes (they twinkle!), there is an electrical current of emotion erupting on levels strong enough to power a major city.
It’s just, I find it so frustrating that in my desire to end exploitation, hunger, homelessness, illness, hatred, greed, and ignorance, I am so powerless. I donate money when I can, but it is not enough, not by a long shot. The other day, I received a letter from a wonderful organization that makes shoes that grow with a child. They can expand up to 5 sizes, meaning a child would have a pair of properly sized shoes right up until they reach maturity. I was only able to afford a single pair for one child, but I did what I could do. Immediately after I did thusly, I started crying, and then my heart broke because a child would now get a needed pair of shoes. One child. One.
It feels so minimal, like it’s the bare minimum that can be done and I know this.
There are times when I enter this meta-aware moment, where I can see everything going on around me, in full understanding, and for a split second, I know what I need to do, but it is so fleeting that all I can recall is the momentary reflection of emotion. It’s like I can almost grasp it, but it’s just outside of my understanding.
Does it make sense that I both love people and am terrified of them? I want to heal them, I want to help them, and I want nothing in return. At the same time, I feel terrified that they’ll hate me, and will exploit me on some level to get what they want and that they won’t care what happens to me after they get it. I cannot explain that feeling. No, I might be able to explain it, but it’s one of those things that sit just outside of my reach again.
It is beyond frustrating.
The point in all of this is that I am trying to deal with so many things, that I think my brain is breaking down. Some people might tell me that I can’t fix everything, so I should just accept what I can fix and move on, but those people, as well meaning as they are, don’t understand. This isn’t something as simple as wanting to fix things and feeling bad I can’t.
I am compelled to fix these issues. I see them, and I *know* that I must work to resolve them, whether together with others, or alone. Deep down inside of me, I know that my life’s calling is to heal people, to negate the evils of society, and to leave the world much better than when I arrived. It’s not hopeful wishing, it is a biological and physiological imperative. My brain cannot refuse it, neither can I ignore it.
I had a dream the other night, where I was walking down an alley, and I saw a girl being grabbed by two large men. I rushed towards her, in order to rescue her, but just as I got within what seemed like a few meters of her position, I hit some kind of invisible wall. I couldn’t move beyond it. She was yelling, screaming, crying, and struggling to fight off these men. They were grabbing her, and pulling her towards some dark corner of the alley.
I tried so hard to reach for her, to pull her away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get past the invisible wall. I kept hitting the invisible wall as hard as I could, trying to break through, and just before they pulled her away, around whatever dark corner was there, she screamed to me, looking directly at me, crying, and she said “why didn’t you do something?! Why didn’t you help me?!”
I screamed back “I’m trying!”
At this point, she disappears around the corner, and I start crying in heaving sobs. Suddenly I feel this burning fire on my right shoulder. I look down at my shoulder, and I see this blood red circle burned into it, with writing in the center that reads “you failed.”
Even now, I can still see her face. She doesn’t look like anyone I know, or have ever seen, but the image of her crying as she looked at me with terror on her face, begging for my help, and there was nothing I could do to get past that invisible wall.
I don’t know what it represents, though I have some ideas, but it has not left me since I dreamed it that night.
There is so much conflict in my mind right now. There are times when I see myself as a man trying his damnedest to make the world a better place. There are other times when I feel that I deserve to die because of my existence.
I cannot be perfect. I have thoughts and feelings that make me hope for the future, and then I have feelings that make me shocked and appalled, but they come unbidden, and I cannot stop them from doing that. I am just a human being. Yet I feel like I have failed humanity on so many levels. Sometimes I lay on the floor, and just weep. My heart just pours out its grief, because I don’t know what I’ll think next, just as I have no idea how to handle all of these problems that I see around me. It is so huge. All of it is so enormous, I cannot do it on my own, and yet, if there is no one around me to help me shoulder this burden, I will continue to carry it myself.
I may die carrying it by myself, I don’t know. I may die face to face with a million angry people wishing for my death. I have absolutely no grasp on my future, whatsoever. My past is comforting, in some respects, but I cannot stay there. Some people have the luxury of living in the past, staying far away from the cold uncertainty of the present tense. I do not enjoy that privilege, because I *know* it can be taken away from me at any moment.
All I want to do is help. No. Wait, that’s not right. Not “all” I want to do is help. I want to fix. I want to resolve. I want to cure.
Above everything, however, is the one simple truth that I cannot and will not shake. It is my primary purpose, my mission in life, the very essence of who I am: I love everyone. That cannot be driven from me no matter what. I love you all, and no matter what people may think of me, I can do nothing less.
With greatest affection,
Amaris.