My heart has been hurting today. All I want to do is help people, to breathe love and life into others, to protect them, to comfort them, to bring them joy and happiness. Not just kids, but adults, too. Everyone. I want to bring love, life, protection, happiness, and joy to everyone. Why does everything have to hurt so much?
My chest has been hurting all day.
I’ve been having these dreams where I die, and people are happy. In my dreams they’re celebrating, saying “the monster is dead, and good riddance.” The people whom I have loved my whole life, not even sparing more than a moment, only to say “I knew he was worthless. It’s good he’s dead.”
I had told my mom about what my friend had said, the terrible thing he had said, and my mom was worried. She asked me “you wouldn’t, you know, end your life, would you?” I didn’t say anything for a minute, and then I said “I would try not to.” That’s the best answer I could give her.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do. All I’ve ever wanted to do was love people, to help them, to bring joy to their lives, to heal the sick, and to comfort the grieving, to administer to the neglected and abused, to let them know they are loved.
I have never harmed a soul in my entire life. The idea of doing harm to another person, at any age, fills me with revulsion. What is going on? Why do people have to be so cruel?
THE DARKEST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE DAWN
Cruelty is becoming more acceptable again. Look at our governments. If world leaders are acting the way they are now some people take that as a cue to act in a similar manner. Being able to think for oneself is shockingly uncommon.
I worry for the U.S. We’ve always had our faults, but we also have a reputation for generosity and kindness, even in the face of adversity. You’ve nailed it right on the head. We’re embracing cruelty as a viable way to deal with people in order to get what we want from them. It is a frightening prospect for me, because I will not bow to cruelty.