A Word That Cut Deep

A friend cut me very deep tonight. He did it with words, a specific word, and while he clearly intended it as a joke, it hurt terribly. After I talked to him, and was by myself again, I started crying. I hate the word he used, I despise the word he used. The word he used is the word that I am against, it is something I fight daily in order to protect others, to save them from the terrible nature of that word.
I won’t say the word, as I consider it too vile to repeat here, but suffice to say, it’s a horrible word that should never be uttered as any kind of joke, because for some it isn’t a joke at all.
I was a victim of that word at one point in my life, and to be called that word, even as a joke, simply because I like certain colors, or fuzzy animals, this word gets applied to me? It’s heartbreaking.
I’ve been thinking about it ever since he said it. He doesn’t know what happened to me, he doesn’t know what I’ve been called by others, or what I’ve seen with my own eyes, the things that bring back all of the anxiety and pain over and over again. He doesn’t know, but he used that word anyway.
I want to withdraw. I want to close up and stay away, stay hidden inside myself and pretend the world does not exist. I still can’t believe he said it. Why would someone whom I have considered a friend for so long say such a thing, even as a joke? Such a horrible, reprehensible word? It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke to me, it’s a painful recollection to me. It’s anxiety night after night to me. It’s hard, shallow breaths and hot tears for me. It is not, however, just a word.
What a horrible thing to hear from someone whom I called friend. What a terrible thing. What a monstrous thing. My heart is split in two from the cutting tongue.
My hold is very light for the moment. I think I need to rest for now.