Before Morning

I’m sitting here typing this, and the house is quiet except for the lowered volume of the television pushing out “Alfred Hitchcock” reruns. Today is a national holiday, Thanksgiving Day.
A lot has happened this year, and there is still over a month to go. A part of me fears the future, the biggest part of me, in fact. I fear not only the future for others, but for myself. Sometimes I think past my future, and I wonder how I would be remembered. Some might say fondly, while others would consider it to be of little note either way. I honestly cannot say because I don’t know my future, and I don’t know how things will end up. All I know is that I continue to be afraid, and for many reasons.
As I sit here, though, I try to think of ways I can be thankful. Honestly, the idea of being thankful on one particular day is silly to me. It’s tradition, I know, but I am thankful for every day I am alive, but I say that with an asterisk for every single day. I say that because there are many days where I regret it.
I’ve been staying very busy the past few days, in preparation for this day. I haven’t done it for myself, but for my family, especially my mother. I do all of this for her, because she deserves a nice day with lots of food, playing with her grandchildren, and laughing with her husband and sons. I am trying to make that happen.
Right now I am having yet one more anxiety attack, and it is fierce. I am afraid. I am afraid that somehow I will ruin today. That is nothing new, because I feel every day that I will do something to ruin that day, or I will have done something to cause that day to be ruined. I just want my mom to have a fun day today, without incident.
Still, in my heart, and in this damnable head of mine, I feel the panic escalating. As a general rule, holidays are stressful enough for me, but this year is extra difficult. I have grown exhausted of society, having seen things that have brought back horrors from my childhood, and I just want to be done with the whole thing. I can’t, I can’t extricate myself from it right now, because my mom relies on me for so much, but I am so tired of society in general.
I made a post the other day, on Facebook, where I mentioned moving as far out into the countryside as possible, and living in a cabin without TV, phone, or internet. Instead, I would be happy with my books, and my typewriter. I meant every word of it. I am tired of the so-called civilization in which I now live. It takes too much from me, and wants only to take more. I feel as if it wants to punish me, as if it holds me at gunpoint, and threatens me that at any moment it will end my life.
Sitting here, at 1:24 in the morning, these thoughts course through my mind, through my body. I am both exhausted and hyper-alert. There’s not much I can do about it, though. Almost everything in this world is beyond my influence and control. If I could have almost everyone leave me alone, I would. I can’t, because my will is worthless to most people, especially those who feel they have a right to me any time they demand.
The exceptions, of course, are a small circle of my dearest friends, but my closest, dearest friends wield just as little power against the world, and I feel protective of them, because they are connected to my heart, and I do not wish to lose them, ever.
This has been one of the worst years for me, and so I do struggle to find some reason to be thankful in any appreciable way above and beyond how I feel every day. I feel that I am on borrowed time. It may be paranoia, who knows? All of this may be in my head, but since it’s my head, and it’s my reality, then that makes it a palpable thing to me.
What is the difference between a drowning man and a man who only thinks he is drowning? The drowning man eventually finds peace.
Well, I should probably try to get some rest. Later this morning, I need to start final preparations for Thanksgiving dinner. I just want this day to go well, because my mom deserves a good day. She deserves far more than that, but I am only one person, and cannot give her everything she should rightfully have in this world.
No matter what happens today, I love you. All of you.