My Enemy, My Friend

I have a love/hate relationship with my brain. Is it odd, by the way, that I see myself and my brain as two separate entities? It’s not anything like dual personality, just that I can talk to my brain, and it talks back, and at the same time we’re both aware we’re the same organism talking to itself, but from different perspectives, it seems.
Anyway, the love/hate thing. My brain coordinates nearly all of my body functions (leaving some delegation to my spinal column, of course, because every good brain needs a production assistant who can quickly act on their authority in times of trouble) and keeps me alive. It is a repository of my knowledge, what’s left of it after Simpsons quotes and Star Trek trivia. It makes it possible for me to interpret the world around me in the best way it knows how, and all of that is wonderful.
Unfortunately, my brain also likes to jump to the worst possible conclusion at the drop of a hat, before the drop of a hat, when there’s someone in the room with a hat, or when there’s a picture of a hat in a magazine sitting on a table.
Yeah, the anxiety attacks are trying to come back. It’s not that they left, but for a while they seemed to reduce in power and frequency. Since about 4 days ago, though, I’ve been feeling this weird buzzing inside, like there’s a live wire running through my body. On the outside, things look still and calm, but on the inside, I cannot help but feel this need to move about, to make the jittery feeling go away. Instead, it just keeps humming, and buzzing.
I can easily explain some of it: the current state of the world. I know full well I’m not alone, but for some reason this has been deeply affecting me more than usual. I’m watching our police become more militarized, I just saw a news article giving detailed information about Spanish police brutally beating, and violating the rights of thousands of Catalans as they attempted to vote, peacefully I might add, for independence.
As I’m sure all of my readers are aware, there was a recent shooting in Las Vegas. It was a terrorist attack perpetrated by a white, Christian male, who legally modified a semi-automatic weapon to create a simulated fully automatic one that resulted in 59 deaths and over 500 wounded. Immediately, I saw an immediate demand by various human rights groups that something needed to be done. That demand was met by ferocious opposition, claiming that to do anything to curb gun rights was unAmerican, as if this was some kind of outlandish, one-off incident when it isn’t.
This was the latest worst mass shooting in modern U.S. history (conveniently disregarding mass shootings where people of color and indigenous populations were murdered). How long until the next one? My heart hopes never, but the pattern doesn’t show any sign of stopping.
So, sure, the NRA might agree bump fire stocks should go (they’re what makes a semi-auto fire like an automatic weapon), but since few knew what it was until the other day, it’s nothing for them. They’ll still get their way regardless, which is the will of the gun manufacturers. They make their money on the bloodies bodies of the innocent. If one doesn’t believe that, watch how their stocks go up in value after each mass shooting. Watch as people flock to gun stores to buy whatever gun was used in that mass shooting. It’s sick. It’s utterly vile. The ceaseless machine grinds more bones and sinew into profit.
I’ve become so heartsick lately. The country in which I live is embracing more authoritarianism under the guise of patriotism, bridging the notions between legality and morality. We’re starting to accept the idea that because something is legal it is moral, and that something which is illegal is immoral, regardless of intent or outcome. No good deed goes unpunished, and I’ve said that before, but more and more I find it to be true. The letter of the law is becoming holy writ, but only for the masses. The elites, the people at the top, are still free to live however they wish, as long as they grease the palms of our arbiters of so-called justice.
Is anyone else seeing this and wondering why this is happening? Are they seeing these things and is their heart racing? Is their mind beginning to fret at the dissonance of it all? No, not everything in life is fair, but can anyone else see that while the rule of law is rigid as ever for the poor and underrepresented, while the spirit of the law is being bent to the point of breaking for those who can sidestep it by whispering in a few ears with messages from friends in higher places?
I have lost faith in so many things. These times they seem so dark. My brain cannot handle watching humanity attack itself in this way. There has always been war, there has always been violence, civil unrest has been a hallmark of every society since before the city of Aleppo was just a caravan and trading post. (For those who did not know, Aleppo, the largest city in Syria, and currently in turmoil, is one of the oldest known cities in the world).
Human nature appears to be cyclical, when viewed through the lens of history. I worry that our nation, the United States, is preparing for the next go-round in its cycle of massive civil unrest, mob anger, and bloodshed, and I do not wish for it to happen. We live in an age of overwhelmingly complex technology. A civil war in our nation would make the first one seem like a scuffle by comparison.
I worry, too, for my friends on the other side of the world: first world nations, once places of flawed but enlightened ideology (compared to our own in terms of human rights), engaging in political upheaval, civil unrest, an oligarchy of rotten privilege pressing down hard upon the masses. They, like ourselves, live in an age of ignorance and passive apathy. We (generally speaking) don’t care enough about our neighbors as long as our three major needs are met. Remember those? I’ve spoken on that subject before.
We’re becoming intellectually lazy. Hell, forget intellectually lazy, we’re becoming downright anti-intellectual. We’re dismissing scientists, teachers, historians, journalists, anyone who tries to add an objective, fact based contribution to the world around us is being met with hostility. I’m not sure how long we can maintain this schism, because it is growing.
How long until people are shunned for advocating science? Critical thinking? Compassion? The basic tenets of Humanism? How long until those who seek to protect the rights of the downtrodden and alienated are seen as nothing more than agitators? As troublemakers? People who are to be thrown in with the other undesirables?
All of this, ALL OF THIS, runs through my mind all day, every day, non-stop. I will tell you with all due honesty that I am a naturally paranoid person. As someone who is a problem solver by nature, my mind spends its free moments breaking down issues, troubleshooting them, and reassembling them in a way that makes them work again. My mind tries to repair things, in other words. All things. My mind tries to repair all things. At any given moment, my brain is working on finding ways to feed humanity, reduce the prison population (safely and for all with rights intact), bring about peace for all nations, protect the rights and physical, mental, emotional well-being of every person from children to seniors, repair the environment, and that’s just on the macro level.
On the personal level, I’m still working on taking care of my mom, balancing our budget, finding ways to get medicines, medical equipment, access to rehabilitative methods of care, keep contacts and schedules with various doctors and health organizations as required, maintain our home as best as I can, take care of the needs of my friends, whether it be emotional, mental, or physical, set to my own tasks that keep my mind otherwise occupied like building websites for friends and family, and even allocating time for myself, if any.
I know some folks might think I’m trying to toot my own horn, or make it seem like I’m some unsung put-upon hero, bravely soldiering on in the face of overwhelming adversity. Well, I’m not horn tooting, because I don’t have a horn to toot with, firstly, and secondly, I do this because it gives me purpose. Granted, I’m in way, way, way over my head, but if I don’t do this, I have time to think, and having time to think is a real problem for me, because while my brain is my greatest ally, it is also my bitterest enemy.
I have sought my whole life to do good, not for reward, not out of some sense of guilt, but because I believe that a person should do good, that good should come from within, and that we should do our damnedest to make the world better when we’re gone, than it was when we arrived.
I just want to love, and to be loved. This is how I express my love to the rest of the world. This is it. For some, it’s not enough, but it’s all I have. If I were to die tomorrow, and by some amazing miracle, I stand before whatever deity controls this universe, they could bring to bear all of my supposed sins, and when asked for my response, I could say “I gave all that I was, all that I had. There was nothing left of me to give. Can you say the same?”
Then I’d get my ass kicked into whatever hellfire awaits those who backtalk to capricious deities with delusions of self-hood.
You know, this is all a long and roundabout way of me saying that I wish the world could just embrace love, compassion, kindness, understanding, a desire to lift people up rather than tear them down.
All I know is that my mind is fractured in so many places, and my heart in constant pain. The anxiety attacks, the self-doubt, I suspect they will continue even as my country, and as the nation, continues to propel itself into whatever chaos it has deemed desirable.
It is my hope we emerge from it, all of us, safe and sound.