Worse

20 years ago, I could have never envisioned the situation I’m in these days. Knowing me at the time, I would have probably called such a vision of the future a lie borne from the depths of Hell, a trick of Satan to demoralize me.
I don’t think Satan would ever be that cruel to anyone. Well, not everyone anyway.
The depression is getting worse. My dark thoughts are digging down deeper, and finding new black chasms by which to make a temporary home. Things that made me laugh barely make me smile now, and things that warmed my heart are just making it hurt more. I can still feel, but the feeling is fading, like when sunlight fades into dusky shadows.
The pain doesn’t help. I may have mentioned this some time back, but my left arm has been giving me trouble the past two months or so. It will get weak, my hand will drop whatever I’m holding, or I will feel sharp pains in the shoulder or elbow region. I figure it’s part carpal tunnel (my wrist is affected as well), part arthritis, and part something else, though I don’t know what.
Well, that pain now exists in my right leg. I can’t stand on it for more than a few seconds before pain from my ankle to the thigh just erupts. That has been going on for the past week, and now my left leg is showing signs of the same thing. I keep my feet elevated as much as possible, though considering how often I’m on them I doubt it does much good.
For what I do, there is no downtime. When I pulled two muscles in my back on the same day, I couldn’t stand up straight, but I still had to take care of mom, which included turning her, adjusting her, picking her up when necessary to take care of other needs, and that just exacerbated the damage. I don’t think the pain went away for several weeks, and each day was sheer agony. I don’t take painkillers often, and when I do it’s something like Tylenol, mainly because I have to stay alert. That’s also why I don’t drink, because I need to stay alert. I have to be on my toes 24/7, and it never stops.
Speaking of, I’ve been getting more frequent headaches, too. Mostly in the frontal lobe, but sometimes along the side, and in the back. As of this writing, I have a headache on the right front side of my head, my left thigh is burning, my right ankle feels like someone struck it with a ball-peen hammer, and my left shoulder has the feeling one gets when someone punches you repeatedly in the same spot. So the pain isn’t helping, and there’s nothing I can do about it right now.
It’s true I have medical coverage, thanks to the PPACA, and it is greatly appreciated, but it’s still barebones coverage. It only covers so many checkups, visits, and exams per year. For most people, that’s more than sufficient, but for me, it’s not nearly enough. I do have a checkup coming in the next 3 months, so we’ll see how that works out.
Regardless, the past two weeks have been filled with emotional, and physical pain. My brain is finding it more and more difficult to hold onto information, and sometimes I will forget whether or not I gave my mom her medication. See, that’s a new change as well, since she was released from the hospital last month for a seizure she had. They prescribed her new medication, and this medication can’t be given once or twice a day, it requires complex dosing schedules. She gets medicine at 1:00 AM, 2:30 AM, 5:30 AM, 9:00 AM, 2:30 PM, 5:30 PM, and 9:30 PM. That doesn’t count any “take as needed” medications, nor does it take into account the other things I have to do to keep her healthy and stable.
If you’re wondering who gives her those medications at those hours, the answer is me. Some have to be refrigerated, so I can’t just sit them out and have her take them when it’s time. That, and she’s not too capable of keeping to a clock, because she still has some trouble with time. That and she falls asleep and would sleep right through the time required to take the medication. Dad works. When he’s not working, he’s usually at a flea market or auction trying to make money. That leaves me. Just me.
I remember when the hospital said, “so, are you ready for your mom to come home?!” and my answer was “no.” Seriously, I said no. I also said no last year after her first stroke. I said no six months later when the therapy clinic said she was going home and asked me if I could handle it. All of these answers were ignored.
I’ve long since been at the end of my rope, and I figure sometime in the past six months or so, I went into freefall. What will happen, I don’t know. It all depends upon how strong my mind is, and how resilient my will is in keeping things together. It has all been taxed already, to the limit. Beyond the limit. Well beyond the limit. Every night, too, my brain reminds me of just what I’ve lost, what I’m losing, and what I will never have in my life.
So, yeah, I feel much worse this week. I keep trying to rally myself, but there’s not much left for me to rally. For those of you that know, I’m an introvert. I am an introvert who can’t withdraw. I can’t withdraw into any kind of safe place. I am stuck out here in the open, forced to stay out here in the open. I can’t recharge, I can’t recuperate, I can’t rebuild. Right now, my heart and mind are powder, and life is atomizing that powder at this point.
Enough of this for now. I’m exhausted. Thank you for listening.