Sometimes I can’t figure out where my life path will lead. I consider it carefully, map it all out in my head, and run through as many scenarios I can imagine, but it often comes down to two options:
Conclusion #1:  I will die old, unfulfilled, and alone.
Conclusion #2: I will die young, unfulfilled, and alone.
They don’t seem like anything I’d want to actually choose from, and my relentless optimism™ works its ever-loving ass off to give me reasons not to succumb to either choice each morning I wake up… from earlier in the morning.
Some people might take those words as drama, but they’re not. I have applied my mind to a myriad of problems in my lifetime, and often I have found workable solutions that benefited all involved. When it comes to my own life, however, and the circumstances therein, I can’t find a workable solution that benefits all involved.
I hate no-win scenarios.
There was a time, like James T. Kirk, where I didn’t believe in the no-win scenario. My powerful, complex brain would almost always find a method that resolved the problem and either resulted in fair compromise, or full on wins all around. For a long time, I was the go-to guy for problems such as those.
It’s entirely possible that I’m just too close to the issue, and simply cannot see solutions because my judgment is clouded by exhaustion, mind-numbing routine, and the constant lack of mental and emotional stimulation such a mind needs to keep itself well-maintained and up to speed.
It is possible.
Doesn’t help me, though.
So I keep coming back to those two conclusions listed above. Some people dismiss them as negativity, but often those people have no idea just what situation I’m in, and how I arrived at those conclusions. Those aren’t me thinking the worst of a situation, they’re of me working to find the *best* solution, and ending up with those as the result.
Sometimes I think that I must have done something wrong in a past life, that maybe I was a despicably evil human being, and this is my punishment: to deny a lover physical love. To deny a dreamer an outlet for his dreams. To take an intellect and grind it against the stones of monotony until the blade chips away, and all is left is a broken stub.
I don’t know. I’m not really a karma person, because I see so many evil people prosper, and so many good, kind people suffer. If karma were real, it would address issues in the here and now, not in the hereafter where there is no longer a need.
Regardless, I do have a somewhat morbid fascination with how my life will end. Poorly, I know that. In pain? I can almost guarantee it. Add to that the loneliness, and a life unfulfilled on even the most basic level, and that sounds like a perfect recipe for hell.
Maybe I’m dead already, and this is hell. Now there’s a thought.

3 thoughts on “Guff

  1. *hugs* You’re right, a lot of people don’t really understand your situation. A weaker person would have broken long ago. Wish I could give you a real life hug. I’ll make it to Ohio one day.

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