I can be a bit… overwhelming for some people. I’m an introvert, until it comes to someone I love or admire. There are friends of mine whom I simply adore (I’m tearing up thinking about them right now), and if I ever get the chance to meet them, I will want to kiss them, squeeze them, and be around them constantly. That might make me sound a bit overzealous and quite a bit clingy, but there are two things you may not know about me:
- I have serious body image issues, low-self esteem, and depression. I consider myself somewhere just below pond scum, and a notch above people who crunch loudly, and with an open mouth, in theaters.
- I am an extraordinarily lonely man. Due to the circumstances of my situation, I do not get to interact regularly with more than a handful of people. Three of them are physical therapists for my mother, and the other two are my parents themselves.
(Also, right now, anyone who has followed me for more than 3 posts is raising their eyebrow at the notion that they may not know this)
This also applies when I’m on the internet. Sometimes I think I annoy the hell out of my friends, because I want to join in the conversation. It’s not that I don’t bring anything to the table, it’s that I always bring something to the table, and it has to get annoying when a friend is talking about something, and I chime in with a comment that is empathetic. I’m not trying to take their spotlight, I promise, but I know it has to feel that way sometimes. I just can’t help replying that I either know how they feel, or I empathize with how they feel, or I want to talk to them about how to make them feel better, it’s automatic, and I can’t control it very well.
I just want to help, and I think I can often be a hindrance instead. So I post these comments, I don’t see a reply hours later, and I think to myself, “great, stupid, you’ve gone and made them upset with your need to just blurt things out,” and it makes me want to punish myself. I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to lose these people. I love them, and I don’t want the people I love to stop liking me. That has to sound really weird to some people. I mean, a friend isn’t just going to drop you because you annoy them sometimes, right?
Maybe, but you have to understand that I consider myself to be just awful. I think of myself as the person everyone generally tolerates, but gets annoyed with all of the time. It’s like being the plucky comic relief, but without the comedy. I don’t want to be a nuisance, I don’t. I hate my insecurities, I hate how I see myself, but this is who I am, and no matter how hard I work to change, my mind is stronger and more stubborn than it appears.
Just today, I saw a friend post about being a happy person, but also being depressed, and how the feelings fight one another. I wanted to chime in that I knew how they felt, because I do. Every day I get a glimmer of happiness, only for it to be stolen away and shoved deep in the ground to suffocate by my depression. Yet before I could start typing, I thought to myself “do they really need to hear you talk yet again about how you feel?” and I couldn’t bring myself to type it out. Honestly? He wouldn’t have minded, at least I don’t think he would have, but I just don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be the guy who is always sad, who is always depressed, who always has some tale of woe, because I’m afraid my friends will think it’s all I care about and it isn’t.
My gods, I love them so much. I don’t think they really know (and here I tear up again). They are the lifelines to a drowning man. My dear friends, you’ve no idea how many times I’ve planned my own exit from this world, only to look up and see that precious card you sent me, or that little trinket you gave me, or any other mementos that remind me of the sweetness and love that sits right outside my field of vision, and beyond my immediate senses, but I know you’re there, and my heart rallies itself to stave off death for another day.
I love you so much, and I’m so sorry if I am a burden to you. I am sorry if I annoy you sometimes. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want you to come to me if you ever have problems. Your problems are never too small, or unimportant. You are my friends, and your happiness is my happiness. Let me say it again: I love you, and your problems are my problems, don’t ever hesitate to come to me if you need me. There are people who need me and use me beyond the point of exhaustion, but you my friends, are not among them.
I love you. ♥