Masochism Shuffle

I am a firm believer in the idea that no good deed goes unpunished. At the same time, I adhere to a system that says a kindness is never wasted. Why do I do this? I’m an agnostic atheist, so it’s not like I believe there’s any reward for it. There must be something wrong with my brain, though, because I do it for two reasons:
1) It feels really good.
2) I would hope if I were ever in dire need, someone would come help me.
The first reason is the immediate reward, if you want to see it that way, but that’s all. If it didn’t feel good, I’d still do it. The second reason is one I believe should never have to happen, and that if it never did, I would still help people (I have been in dire need, and there was someone who came to my aid. She knows who she is, and she should also know I love her very much, and also find her sexy please don’t tell your husband). I do it because I want to do it, because it is the right thing to do, and that even if the rest of the world decided doing good things was now a criminal act, I’d still do it.
It’s not something my religion taught me growing up. I moved beyond that religion’s moral value system in my early teens. It was all common sense stuff: “Do not murder,” well no shit. I don’t need a holy book telling me not to do that. “Do not steal,” well duh. I’d be pissed if someone stole my pony collection, so I’d never steal someone else’s property. Essentially, it comes down to “don’t be a dick,” which is simple enough, and is currently the philosophy I most employ whenever possible.
Back on point, I help for the sake of helping people when someone is in need, I like to answer that need whenever possible. I get frustrated because I’m in a position where I don’t have any actual resources to help others in need. I have so many friends who need help, and all I can provide is moral support. While I always appreciate moral support from friends, I expect more of myself. I have always been a bit of a problem solver. I am drawn to puzzles, and you don’t get more puzzling than watching people walk past a suffering human being on the street pretending that person doesn’t exist. Oh, I’ve heard the psychological reasons why people do that, but that doesn’t solve the person who is suffering!
I don’t understand why a simple kindness has to be a negative thing. If I give someone money, I don’t need Captain Backseat Passerby that the poor man will just use it for drugs. Well, I hope he does! That’ll show me! Don’t want the homeless man trying to forget his pain. Clearly, since he’s poor he has been cursed of God, you ass-backwards pig fucks. Maybe he was a brilliant architect who lost his job and never recovered. It never fails, though, that while they’ll ignore the starving human being, they sure as shit will be glad to tell you what to do with your money.
Sorry, got a little off course there. Honestly, what harm does a simple kindness bring? A word of welcome, or just a simple compliment? Who does it fucking hurt? No one, goddammit. It hurts no one. Treating other people like human beings shouldn’t be downplayed, or derided. If you don’t like it, you can fuck right off! No one asked you to critique somebody’s willingness to give other human beings a shred of dignity and compassion! I don’t like getting angry, but that kind of thing gets me really annoyed. If you don’t like it, just leave people alone, which is so easy to do. You’re likely already doing it to someone in need, so just add one more person to that list, and go on your merry way.
Anyway, no good deed goes unpunished, no kindness goes without retaliation, yet I continue to engage in it anyway, whether it be with money, words, or other tools at my disposal. Clearly, I’m fucked in the head, but I’d rather be fucked in the head than fucked in the heart.