When a touch automatically short circuits my brain, there’s a problem. This evening, my brother and his family were over and they had brought a cake and a few gifts for my birthday, which was really sweet of them. Anyway, we were watching a movie, and I had ordered pizza for everyone. It arrived and I had opened the door. Well, much to my pleasant surprise, a very sweet, very adorable delivery person was standing there. She had gone to the wrong door (we live in an apartment), and was a little embarrassed. I told her it was okay, and that it happened all of the time.
She was trying to remove the pizza boxes from the cloth case, but the boxes were stuck, and she asked if I could help her by holding one end of the case, and she could remove them with the other. Of course I helped, and she managed to remove the boxes from the cloth case, which I handed back to her. As I handed her the case, she handed me the pizza boxes, which I was reaching to support underneath. Well, in the process, I accidentally brushed her fingers for just a few seconds, and I swear to Gort that I nearly dropped the boxes. Just the simple act of human contact had so disrupted my concentration that I nearly lost the ability to hold a couple of pizza boxes, and made my heart stop for about 5 seconds, I kid you not.
I recovered rapidly, and she probably didn’t even notice. I gave her the money (with a tip because I always tip pizza delivery drivers. They don’t get any of that “delivery charge” money), and thanked her, telling her to have a good night.
I am typing this as I think it all over, but even a few hours after it happened, it still sits on my mind. Right after the incident occurred, I had the most unique reaction to the whole thing. I started crying. I kept it all in, because it would not have made sense to the people in the room with me, but inside things were falling apart and breaking down. My heart hurts. I mean it literally started hurting, and is still hurting as I type this all out.
So, yes, a pizza delivery person brushed her hand with my own, and it nearly made my brain shut down, resulting in powerfully mixed feelings, strong emotional confusion, a desire to cry, and a heavy pain in my heart that refuses to stop pressing against my psyche.
It is clear, beyond any other possible conclusion, that I need to start interacting with people again. I mean, I interact with my parents, and my brother and his family, but I’m talking about non-related human beings. People who could easily become friends, or much much more than just friends. When can this happen? When do I get to live? When do I get to break free and join my life already in progress?
What the hell is going on with me?
 
Also, the title was the last thing I came up with, because that last sentence before the end really made me think. This is a stream-of-consciousness post, in that I haven’t planned any of it. I have to write it out somewhere, though, because if I don’t, internalizing it going to tear me apart.
 
-.Amaris