Yet another positive, upbeat post. I’ve been going through a really strong depression lately. I’ve been clinically depressed for years, but the past few months have been very bad, with this past week being the darkest. Nothing I have been working toward is working out. I’m doing my best, as are those involved in working toward making things better, and so is the person who needs it the most, but it seems like we’re getting nowhere.
I’m coming to the end of the resources I have, and there seems to be no end in sight. For those concerned, have no fear: I have no intentions of leaving this planet in any way other than on the starship Enterprise, or maybe SpaceX’s dragon capsule when I take my first tour of low earth orbit.
Sometimes, though, I just think my life is cursed. I realize that the person whom I am trying to help has it worse in some regards, and I’m trying not to sound selfish, but lately all I can focus is on how painful my life has become, and how lonely and empty it is. The people whom I would love to meet, my friends, are thousands of miles away. I just want to embrace them so badly, because they have been here for me, even though none of us have ever met. I love them. I really do.
There are times when my thoughts get bitter. I see young adults in the paper, graduating from high school, and going to college, and my first thought is “you’ll just waste it, and what’s the point anyway?”. I feel awful right afterward, but I don’t mind saying that it all feels so futile. It’s not, it’s really not, and when someone tells me they’re going off to college, I have to bite my tongue because it’s not fair for me to take a potshot at their dreams just because mine seem to have failed so utterly.
When I’m at my most cynical, I like to tell young folks not to listen to their parents, that nice guys finish last, or that good things do not come to those who wait. I’ve grown so tired of the cliches people bring up when they find out I’m lonely. “Don’t worry, John, the right person will come along.” I understand they’re just trying to lift me up, and for that I am grateful, so if I tell any of you that, please forgive my bitterness and anger. After decades of hearing the same thing over and over again with nothing changing in my favor, it can create callouses on certain parts of my anatomy.
Also, I say this with the greatest of love, but never tell me “you have to get out there and try!” I get that advice from so many members of my family and some of my friends, and I just want to throttle them, even though I never would. It’s just, to tell me such a thing means you have no idea what I go through, or how my life has been all of these years. It’s like telling a penniless, homeless man who is hungry, “just go get something to eat!”
Have I cheered all of you up today? I do hope you forgive me for talking about this, but sometimes it helps, though not as much as it did. I think one can only defray anger, pain, and loneliness for so long before the methods just stop working. Your heart becomes immune to it. Plus, being in such a vulnerable state, I have to be careful. I’m so lonely now that all it would take to get me to propose marriage would be a hug or kiss on the cheek.
I’d say I’m kidding, but I don’t know anymore. I’m so starved for intimacy and close affection that I’m afraid I’m going to give all of my money to a Nigerian scammer.
“Hello, good sir and in Christ’s name a blessing! My name is Prince Naseem…”
*gasp* Prince Naseem has fallen in love with me, and he needs my financial assistance!
Until next time,
Amaris
THE DARKEST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE DAWN
